Bumptious Driver

The other day, I was driving home from work and secretly wishing that the ass-wipe that just cut me off had actually hit my car. Strange right? Not for me. I've just realized that I fervently wish for this to happen a lot. A lot. Let me explain.

My commute to and from work consists of fifteen minutes of driving on small roads through residential neighborhoods. Great, isn't it? (I do realize that I am super lucky on this point because most people have to deal with gridlock traffic hell and their commute usually takes days and days. I'm lucky and yet I still complain.)

The unfortunate thing is that people here seem to think that the other cars - you know, the ones with the right-of-way and no stop signs for miles - are supposed to stop for them when they decide to suddenly pull out from behind the stop sign which they've been sitting at for at least an hour. It's almost as if these idiots have decided to lay in wait to ambush innocent car drivers as they unassumingly cruise by on their way home from work. I seem to be the perfect target for every single last one of these freakin' people.

Stop sign ambush may not be as scary as droideka ambush, but it's close

So, this guy cuts me off, makes me hit my brakes, (one of my biggest pet peeves when driving is having to brake needlessly) then proceeds to drive incredibly slowly. Very, very slowly. (And before you ask, no, I was not following a retiree.) Now I'm thinking, "Really? Do you have ANY clue that there are other people on the road?" To which he responds by driving even slower. And this is when, completely out of the blue, I think, "Mother fucker, you should have just HIT me in the first place!" It's not a death wish, I assure you.

 

I have a kind of twisted logic in this scenario. My thinking is that, one, I am a good driver and would not be at fault if this ass-clown hit me; two, this guy's a horrible, stupid driver and doesn't even know it; and three, my car is pretty much a piece of shit. In my rage-induced, dysfunctional logic, adding these three things together equals the perfect vindication for me and the perfect lesson for him. With foreordained righttitude, as if it were handed down by God, this accident would, in my mind, remake the world into a better place. Everything would now be perfect because this guy hit me, proved me right, realized that he was wrong, decided to reform his driving etiquette, and was appropriately punished for being a jackass, all in one fell swoop. Some times I can really be an idiot when road rage is involved.
 

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately in my case, none of this ever happens. I never get hit with a jackass' car, the heavens never open to reveal the hand of God sweeping down to deliver justice upon obnoxious drivers, idiots never EVER realize they're wrong, and the world is never made into a Utopia of unmolested driving. I'll keep wishing for it, though.

I'll Double-Tap You in Your Ugly Monster-Lookin' Face

So, I got to thinking that there might be some unexpected side affects due to my attitude toward the Zombie apocalypse. If you read my post last week, which I'm assuming you didn't, you would know that I vowed to immediately shoot everyone who even remotely looked like they were bitten or infected.

Sephiroth's Masamune Nodachi

Although, in all honesty, my zombie slaying weapon of choice would not be a gun. It would probably be a katana or nodachi. (A nodachi is a sword, like a katana, but bigger and more bad-ass. Look at Wikipedia for the description, and before you ask, yes, I did watch a lot of anime during my teenage years.) 

It's most certainly not the perfect weapon for me, considering how ungraceful I am and the very high likelihood of my doing all the work for the zombies and lopping off my own limbs and the limbs of my surrounding loved ones. (I consistently rolled critical fumbles on those few occasions when I played D&D.) But I would much rather have a weapon that is not going to misfire at the crucial moment or run out of bullets. Also, then we could play Highlander with the zombies and constantly yell, "There can be only one!" while cutting them into tiny pieces.

What was the point of this again? Oh, yes, the unforeseen byproduct of trying to get a jump on the zombie hoard by killing off people who look like they may possibly be infected. Or a little under the weather. Or turned into a newt.

Anyway, I have decided that the repercussions of this plan of attack could have a very adverse effect on the aesthetically challenged population. Or in other words, ugly people.

Here's my reasoning. If you look like this:

I'm probably going to kill your ugly zombie face. You don't want to look like this. Ever.

Then again, if you look like this:

I'll probably double-tap your face just in case. Just to make sure that you won't try to eat me. Or sing off key at me. Or have a bunch of white trash kids.

So, in light of these new revelations, here are some tips to help you get along with the good looking survivors of the Zombie Apocalypse, like me.

1. Don't shave your head to make a statement because the statement ends up being, "I want to eat your brains."
2. Use sunscreen to avoid the wizened corpse look, also known as twice-tanned leather.
3. Apply makeup correctly and stay away from green, purple, and blue shades; and foundation that is too light.
4. Subscribe to post-apocalyptic-chic fashion mags to stay on the cutting edge of zombie killing fashion.

 Personally, I'm planning on being the most well dressed zombie killer ever. Or the person who shoots first.

Monsters, Meet My Boomstick

Hubbie and I just finished watching "Evil Dead" again for the like upteenth time. It was good campy, as always, although we spent the majority of the film yelling at Bruce Campbell to "just cut them down with the axe already!" I'm still surprised at how long it takes for him to actually kill someone. Honestly Bruce, how did you think this was going to end? The minute you guys walked into that cabin and saw the wide assortment of tools that can also be used as weapons, you should've known that you would eventually have to use them to cut all your friends into little-bitty pieces. With a name like Ash Williams, that should just be how you roll. Also, the chick under the floorboards is TOTALLY going to try to attack you later on; how many times are you going to save her life? And the minute that your girlfriend goes scary, demonic kid psychotic, you need to immediately blow her ugly, flour-dusted head of with your shotgun.

First, that laugh is freakin' irritating, and second, who drew on this chick's face with eyeliner and lipstick?

I swear, I would be the most awesome monster butt-kicker ever because I have no qualms about taking my boom-stick to something that is trying to kill me. Let this be a warning to all my friends out there, if we're ever stuck in a scary movie together, I will NOT hesitate to kill off anyone looking remotely sick, infected, possessed, or bitten. You bitches are SO not gonna deter my last ditch effort at escaping by suddenly tripping me as I walk by or jumping on my back as I'm about to flee. You'll all be dead and I'll be running for the hills.

What's that, Mom? You've got a fever? Well, it may just be the flu like you think, but I really can't take the chance of you being a carrier for the T-virus, so I'll just have to take you out right now. There's no way I'm letting anyone bring you back later on as a genetically altered she-hulk who can cook a mean Zucchini Munchie and actually follow through on your promise of "taking me out of this world" if I so much as put a foot wrong. (By the way, remind me to share that Zucchini Munchie recipe with y'all some day because that stuff is freakin' yummy.)

This is why I love The Oatmeal, he understands.

Also, when the zombie apocalypse comes around, I'm not waiting around for you to turn before I try to kill you. There will be no long, drawn out, emotional scene where I have to have an equally long and drawn out inner debate about whether or not I should kill my friend, dog, sister, lover, or whoever. The minute I find out you've been bitten, you're dead, unless you volunteer to go down in a blaze of glory by fighting off the zombie hoard before they get to the rest of us. Keeping zombies off the uninfected people is heroic; being the zombie attacking the uninfected is just bad form. Just be heroic, fuckers, and do everyone a favor and die.


Are you prepared for the Zombie apocalypse? Have you accidentally killed a friend in a weird case of mistaken zombie identity? Let me know. The more info we share about what we'll do when the undead rise, the better prepared we'll be.

Brent Might Be Smarter Than Your Average Imbecile

Brent has recently been having a conversation with an imbecilic lunatic. Now, just for clarification, when I say “conversation,” I mean drop-kick schooling her on how the real world works, and by “imbecilic,” I mean oh-my-fucking-god this lady is brain-bleed stupid. The funniest thing about all this is that Brent is having the time of his ever-loving life trying to fix stupid. Here’s the gist of their back and forth:

Imbecilic Lunatic Lady (we’ll call her ILL from now on): I love people, and I think that in a perfect world everyone should be happy and loved! [Insert lame ass weirdo quote here]

Brent: Sorry, no such thing as a perfect world. Here are some examples of why the world isn’t perfect:

-          Idiots like yourself

-          The government

-          Tambourines

-          Body fat

-          More idiots

-          Entitlement

-          Kristen Stewart

ILL: I’m offended simply because you said body fat, and I slightly resemble that remark. Plus, I love the Partridge Family. I’m going to tell everyone that you’re a horrible, evil person who wants to sacrifice children to Kali Ma, just like they did in that Temple of Doom movie, by making them work in mines filled with Styrofoam and melancholy.

Brent:  Why are you my friend on Facebook again? You do know that I’m only here to make you look like a moron in front of a potentially huge amount of people, right?

ILL: I can’t figure out how to unfriend you, and I’m losing friends because what you’re saying actually makes sense to everyone but me. Since I seem to be the only one who doesn’t get it, I’ll just try to make you look bad by saying you’re a racist, homophobic meanie.

Brent: What if I said I was possibly wrong about Kristen Stewart? (I would just like to interject here that he is so NOT wrong about Kristen Stewart. She is the perfect example of all that is unnatural and evil in this world, and she is probably the antichrist.)

Damian + Kristen Stewart = The UberAntichrist

ILL: Oh my god, Brent! I’m so sorry if I offended you. I didn’t know that you could possibly be on the side of shiny, Adonis-like vampires. Unfriend me if you think I’m being intolerant and cruel.

I told Brent that I would’ve unfriended her the minute she said “I love people,” because who freakin' loves PEOPLE? But that just goes to show how intolerant of idiots I’ve become. Also, that Brent is so much better at putting up with this kind of crap than I am just because he has fun showing other people how horribly wrong they are.

 Do you think we live in a perfect world? Are vampires actually shiny? Should I have put a goatee on Kristen Stewart? You can always leave feedback, if you like.

Was it Writing All Along?

Looking back, I think writing has always been it for me. You know, the big it. I only really started thinking about this today, but now that I've started, I remember wanting to be a writer for most of my life. When I was ten I wrote two mystery books (without much mystery in them) for my English class. I don't remember too much about them, but I remember the main character was a mouse who acted a bit like Sherlock Holmes, only she was a she mouse and not a he mouse. I also remember my Aunt saying that the ending was a bit of a let down. I'm not really sure what she expected from a ten year old; the most mysterious thing I could think of was that someone had lost something and Mystery Mouse had helped them to find it, which she often did just by poking around in their house.

This is not my Mystery Mouse but someone else's.

There were also many books which I started to write and never finished. Many, many books. Most of them were initially inspired by books like "Black Briar," by William Sleator, "Jacob Have I Loved," by Katherine Paterson, "The Babysitters Club" series, or anything by R.L Stein.

 

For some reason my books always started with the main character, who was usually a girl, looking out her car window and watching the trees go by while her parents drove her to a new home. Her family had always made her move, and she was always obviously and loudly upset with them. Ten years old and I was already completely unoriginal. How sad for me.

Thankfully, now I've learned a little about blogging and can write about anything, not just girls displaced by their parents' wanting to move to a new town. I'll probably still continue to be unoriginal, though.

The good thing is that instead of taking my cues from young adult romance novelists, I now get my inspiration from other bloggers who are usually very good at writing and often very entertaining. I follow these wonderful writers around much like that shy, dorky girl in high school followed the popular kids around, except I most likely will never be noticed because I'm the super shy girl who, at every school event, is hiding behind the big, fat guy and no one will ever know I'm there because no one ever wants to look at the big, fat guy. That and the popular people are now regular, everyday people who are gifted with exceptionally healthy doses of humor, probably from being an unpopular high school stalker. So we've come full circle, and THAT'S why I've finally decided that I want to be a writer like the cool kids.

Were you an unpopular high school stalker? Have you recently found your own big IT? Do you have any writing tips? Can you tell I'm fishing for comments? You can leave one, if you like.

Bicycling Irritants

People on bicycles annoy me. Make that adult people on bicycles annoy me. I'm not talking about kids who randomly ride their bikes in the street, or have someone on their handlebars, or have no idea what is going on around them while they are riding their bikes. All those things are pretty irritating but I know what to expect with kids. No, I'm talking about grown men and woman who know better and honestly need to come off it. Take a look at this news story, which was aired on KHON2 last week, and which helps to explain some of my loathing. "Elderly woman dies after being hit by bicyclist". That's right you pedaling reprobates, a bicyclist in downtown Honolulu blew through a red light and hit and killed an elderly woman who was walking through a cross walk.

The typical bicyclist in my neighborhood, only not usually this good looking.

Now the reason why this got me so upset, beside the fact that someone actually got killed, is that there are so many cyclists who ride around my town like they are God's gift to anything with wheels. Hell, they even think that they're better than four wheel users. I can almost hear them thinking as they peddle by, I'm so cool because I'm being healthy and Eco-conscious by riding my bike around and you suck because you're walking, or driving a car, or plain just not me. Earth to stupid snob on a bike, your being a pedal pusher does not give you the right to disregard the laws!

Now don't get me wrong, I love riding my bike. For a while I was even biking my way to work because I wanted to be healthier. I also understand that it's a fairly cheap mode of transportation and totally better for the environment compared to all those icky cars. I get all of that, okay? The only thing that I take issue with is that many bicyclists do not know that by choosing to ride a bike they have agreed to the responsibility to obey the traffic laws just like any other operator of a vehicle. Which means no blowing through red lights, signaling before making any turns, using a bike lane when available, paying attention to your surroundings (like not texting while riding), and riding on the correct side of the road. All pretty simple stuff. If you can do these things than good on you, go ahead and pedal for all you're worth..

I Need a Skyrim Patch

Why oh why am I not doing productive things like figuring out some crochet patterns, crocheting stuff, learning how to knit cute little baby beanies, keeping up with Pinterest, furthering my cooking skills, learning about new games, making cards, or starting on that DAMN scrapbook? Because I can't stop playing Skyrim!

Also, have you noticed that everything on my to-do is either very sedentary (that's your word for the day, look it up bitches) or has something to do with food? This is why I have to make time in my extremely busy schedule - read SHED-jool - to go to the gym and work out.

There are so many things that can be said about this picture.
It's all about the cup, the boobs, the burger king crown...

If I could do TKB and crochet at the same time without somehow getting my work all covered in stinky sweat I would totally do it. But alas, it is nigh impossible. Maybe if I completely covered myself in latex?

This is the only work out I usually get while crocheting

Anyway, I did manage to spill stuff on Brent’s pants that will make it look like he’s peed all over himself the next time he puts them on. I guess I could put THAT on my list of things accomplished for today. That + Skyrim = pretty loser day, if you ask me.

Cue Adam Sandler to tell everyone that only the cool kids pee their pants so that Brent doesn't feel bad.

Also I honestly can't find any reason not to play Skyrim right now aside from the fact that I think my weight gain is directly proportional to my level gain. Man this game is like freakin' game crack in a weird otherworldly Farmvillesque kind of way. Skyrim is all about life as usual where your usual life includes killing monsters and undead; crafting armor, potions, and food; and killing dragons who show up randomly as you're adventuring.

Just watch out for those arrows

It's the little things that make playing Skyrim the stupendous and engrossing experience that it is. Take for example the bard's college and the burning of King Olaf.

The bard's college is located in Skyrim's Solitude and is filled with broke, artistic, eccentric people; much like our Art Institutes.This special needs college calls to the outcasts of Skyrim, those without the ability or nobility to do anything but recite or sing. The best thing about joining the college is the opportunity to do some quests for the instructors. The quests themselves are not necessarily special, however the rewards are very, very worthwhile. Because these bards are completely broke your payment for services rendered comes in the form of experience (and no it's not THAT type of experience, you sick person you). Each instructor will give you different types of knowledge and you can gain skill levels in things like stealth, various schools of magic, and combat. Honestly some of the best rewards in the game.

Don't ask me who that guy at bottom right is, I don't know, but he is wearing dwarven armor.

The only way to enter the Bard's college is to save the ritual "burning of King Olaf" festival. This entry quest is not really important except maybe for the amassing of some good loot; what IS important are the correlations between "The Burning of King Olaf" and "Burning Man". Actually there are only two parallels here but I think they have significance. One, in both "King Olaf" and "Burning Man" they set an effigy on fire. Two, both are festivals put on by the dangerously artistic. See? I'm totally on to something here.

I had front row seats for the burning of King Olaf because I was integral in the festival's revival.

Did I mention that Skyrim also has great music? Here's a video for all of those people out there who, like me, need someone to invent a Skyrim patch so we can cope with the withdrawals. Also for anyone who looked up "Skyrim soundtrack" on iTunes.

 

By the way, I'm supposed to let you know that the music in this video belongs to Bethesda and composer Jeremy Soule, and it's taken from the game "The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim". Also, you should totally check out the other videos from Malukah and her blog. She's a bard of the highest order and also my new music idol. Now, I've got to go purchase my Skyrim Soundtrack.