My Not-So-Idle Hands

I have been SCREAMING at my fingers for the past half an hour now trying to get them to crochet something comprehensible. I ended up with this feeble excuse for the beginning of a doily:

Yes, that is a doily on my bed.

Some days it feels like my hands have been taken over by a demon with no understanding of the basics of crochet. If only the devil in my hands were able to do something right.

How can I possibly be this effin' clumsy after 12 years of doing crochet? Now granted, I have been sick off and on for the past week and I am trying to do some extremely delicate thread crochet, but come off it hands! There are no excuses for this amount of sheer clumsy uncoordination.

My hands are like this, but hands, not feet.

All of this hand-hating made me think about other people whose hands might have betrayed them.
 

First, I have George Washington. Good 'ol Georgie could not tell a lie and chopped down his dad's cherry tree, but he left out the part about his hands being under the control of a cherry hating demon.

My next subject is another president, Richard Nixon. According to the Chicago Tribune, Nixon supposedly got in trouble one sunny day in Brazil when his hands flashed the OK sign as he was stepping off the plane. In Brazil, OK means "up yours" or "fuck off," whatever you think the equivalent to the middle finger is. I think Tricky Dick can reliably blame this faux pas on demonically controlled hands.

After these two worthy candidates I can only site characters in fiction and movies. Lady Macbeth's hands betrayed her murderous intentions. The poor lady not only was unable to get a good night sleep, but her hands totally gave away her guilty conscience by constantly trying to wash themselves of her role in her husband's act of regicide.

In "Idle Hands" Anton Tobias' evil right hand kills both of his best buds before he manages to cut it off. He still has to follow the creepy thing around for the rest of the movie because it keeps trying to kill Jessica Alba's character, the super cute spunky girl across the street, whatever her name is.

And lastly, but most certainly the bestly, Ash from the "Evil Dead" films. Not only does Ash's hand, and the rest of his body, get possessed by a murdering devil thing, but he manages to cut off his own hand and bionically attach a chainsaw to his bloody stump.

 

Maybe I can somehow graft crochet needles to my palm, since my fingers keep disobeying me. Although that may make me more like Edward Scissor hands than awesome evil-whatever slaying Ash Williams.