Crochet, You Moody Whore, You

I wanted to have another project all finished and ready to show Tuesday, but unfortunately I'm having a very, very hard time making the damned thing. This is what it is supposed to look like:

Design by Anne Potter

And this is what it actually looks like:

Yes, that is a lot of crap on my desk.

So yeah, screw you crocheted wrap. I don't understand why I'm having such a hard time making this pattern because it really should be John Edwards' mistress easy. Yes, THAT easy. All you have to do is crochet a large rectangle and then sew the short ends together to make little elasticky sleeve-holes. Pffftt! I can do that with the lights off and my toes tied behind my back! Sure.

The only problem is that I can't get the sides to be even. My first attempt had both short ends getting larger. Don't know what happened there, but I pulled it out. My second attempt had both ends getting smaller. Obviously I over compensated for my largeness problem, better pull it out. Then finally my last attempt had one side getting larger and one side getting smaller. What the freak? Pulled that one out and started praying to the almighty goddess of crocheted things to just help me to make it even.

Looks like a rainbow-colored, mutant amoeba is trying to eat this poor woman.

I have to warn you, though. You really have to be careful who you pray to because you never know what you're going to get. (You especially have to be careful Googling things like "crochet goddess," or really anything with goddess in it, because you'll never be able to unsee anything you find. Just like amoeba lady up there.) Also, the stupid answer I got was one that I already knew but was too lazy to do: counting stitches. I REALLY don't want to count to 115 for every row to make sure that my rows are all even. Besides, I'd probably screw up the counting and still have the same problem.

So...pretty, pretty, please crochet Kali, help me to change my crochet for the better instead of making it worse. And please don't get the blood from that severed head all over my crocheted wrap. Thank you. Shun-ti-day!