I'll Double-Tap You in Your Ugly Monster-Lookin' Face

So, I got to thinking that there might be some unexpected side affects due to my attitude toward the Zombie apocalypse. If you read my post last week, which I'm assuming you didn't, you would know that I vowed to immediately shoot everyone who even remotely looked like they were bitten or infected.

Sephiroth's Masamune Nodachi

Although, in all honesty, my zombie slaying weapon of choice would not be a gun. It would probably be a katana or nodachi. (A nodachi is a sword, like a katana, but bigger and more bad-ass. Look at Wikipedia for the description, and before you ask, yes, I did watch a lot of anime during my teenage years.) 

It's most certainly not the perfect weapon for me, considering how ungraceful I am and the very high likelihood of my doing all the work for the zombies and lopping off my own limbs and the limbs of my surrounding loved ones. (I consistently rolled critical fumbles on those few occasions when I played D&D.) But I would much rather have a weapon that is not going to misfire at the crucial moment or run out of bullets. Also, then we could play Highlander with the zombies and constantly yell, "There can be only one!" while cutting them into tiny pieces.

What was the point of this again? Oh, yes, the unforeseen byproduct of trying to get a jump on the zombie hoard by killing off people who look like they may possibly be infected. Or a little under the weather. Or turned into a newt.

Anyway, I have decided that the repercussions of this plan of attack could have a very adverse effect on the aesthetically challenged population. Or in other words, ugly people.

Here's my reasoning. If you look like this:

I'm probably going to kill your ugly zombie face. You don't want to look like this. Ever.

Then again, if you look like this:

I'll probably double-tap your face just in case. Just to make sure that you won't try to eat me. Or sing off key at me. Or have a bunch of white trash kids.

So, in light of these new revelations, here are some tips to help you get along with the good looking survivors of the Zombie Apocalypse, like me.

1. Don't shave your head to make a statement because the statement ends up being, "I want to eat your brains."
2. Use sunscreen to avoid the wizened corpse look, also known as twice-tanned leather.
3. Apply makeup correctly and stay away from green, purple, and blue shades; and foundation that is too light.
4. Subscribe to post-apocalyptic-chic fashion mags to stay on the cutting edge of zombie killing fashion.

 Personally, I'm planning on being the most well dressed zombie killer ever. Or the person who shoots first.