Monsters, Meet My Boomstick

Hubbie and I just finished watching "Evil Dead" again for the like upteenth time. It was good campy, as always, although we spent the majority of the film yelling at Bruce Campbell to "just cut them down with the axe already!" I'm still surprised at how long it takes for him to actually kill someone. Honestly Bruce, how did you think this was going to end? The minute you guys walked into that cabin and saw the wide assortment of tools that can also be used as weapons, you should've known that you would eventually have to use them to cut all your friends into little-bitty pieces. With a name like Ash Williams, that should just be how you roll. Also, the chick under the floorboards is TOTALLY going to try to attack you later on; how many times are you going to save her life? And the minute that your girlfriend goes scary, demonic kid psychotic, you need to immediately blow her ugly, flour-dusted head of with your shotgun.

First, that laugh is freakin' irritating, and second, who drew on this chick's face with eyeliner and lipstick?

I swear, I would be the most awesome monster butt-kicker ever because I have no qualms about taking my boom-stick to something that is trying to kill me. Let this be a warning to all my friends out there, if we're ever stuck in a scary movie together, I will NOT hesitate to kill off anyone looking remotely sick, infected, possessed, or bitten. You bitches are SO not gonna deter my last ditch effort at escaping by suddenly tripping me as I walk by or jumping on my back as I'm about to flee. You'll all be dead and I'll be running for the hills.

What's that, Mom? You've got a fever? Well, it may just be the flu like you think, but I really can't take the chance of you being a carrier for the T-virus, so I'll just have to take you out right now. There's no way I'm letting anyone bring you back later on as a genetically altered she-hulk who can cook a mean Zucchini Munchie and actually follow through on your promise of "taking me out of this world" if I so much as put a foot wrong. (By the way, remind me to share that Zucchini Munchie recipe with y'all some day because that stuff is freakin' yummy.)

This is why I love The Oatmeal, he understands.

Also, when the zombie apocalypse comes around, I'm not waiting around for you to turn before I try to kill you. There will be no long, drawn out, emotional scene where I have to have an equally long and drawn out inner debate about whether or not I should kill my friend, dog, sister, lover, or whoever. The minute I find out you've been bitten, you're dead, unless you volunteer to go down in a blaze of glory by fighting off the zombie hoard before they get to the rest of us. Keeping zombies off the uninfected people is heroic; being the zombie attacking the uninfected is just bad form. Just be heroic, fuckers, and do everyone a favor and die.


Are you prepared for the Zombie apocalypse? Have you accidentally killed a friend in a weird case of mistaken zombie identity? Let me know. The more info we share about what we'll do when the undead rise, the better prepared we'll be.