Big League Brains

So you know how one great idea leads to someone stepping all over said idea and trying to put you down which makes you put up your dukes and make some kind of sarcastic remark which leads to a completely random remark which leads to ANOTHER great idea? Yeah, that's what happened to me yesterday. What's so cool about it is that my latest idea is a  freakin' awesome idea for the upcoming Zombalypse (or Apocabie, whichever way you want to go with that).

What's even better about this gum is that it comes with a personalized Louisville Slugger bat offer. I think I'll name my bat Smooshy Face.

So...what if we take Big League Chew and mold it into a brain shape? It really shouldn't be that hard because it already looks a little like ground beef (the original flavored one, not the grape one) and should be easy to mold and to get it to stick together.

Click on the picture to go to the Big League Chew Wikipedia page.

Then whenever the zombies start to get close to overrunning us we lob the molded gum, just like little brain grenades, into the press. The zombies will see them and think "yummy brains" and then they'll try to eat them and then they'll have a hard time eating them because it'll be all chewy, you know, because it's like a huge wad of gum. (I know you know how this feels because when you were a kid you completely ignored the "stay-fresh pouch" part of BLC's sales pitch and totally tried to eat that whole packet of gum all at once, didn't you?) Then, while the zombies are busy chewing their jaws off, you could easily run away or take the chance to start picking them off. 

I imagine it would look something like this but with less pretty and more decomposing.

The Ford Gum & Machine Company should totally market this shit with zombies in mind. They could even make a version that tastes and smells like brain to make it more appealing. Dip the whole wad of brain into peanut butter and we'll have zombies gumming around for hours. It'll totally be the gum of choice for zombies and zombie slayers alike and revolutionize post-apocabie life. All I ask in payment for this innovation is for my reader (yep, that's you again Brent) to, when the time comes, let everyone know that I was the first to come up with it. Hubba Bubba eat your heart out.

Crochet, You Moody Whore, You

I wanted to have another project all finished and ready to show Tuesday, but unfortunately I'm having a very, very hard time making the damned thing. This is what it is supposed to look like:

Design by Anne Potter

And this is what it actually looks like:

Yes, that is a lot of crap on my desk.

So yeah, screw you crocheted wrap. I don't understand why I'm having such a hard time making this pattern because it really should be John Edwards' mistress easy. Yes, THAT easy. All you have to do is crochet a large rectangle and then sew the short ends together to make little elasticky sleeve-holes. Pffftt! I can do that with the lights off and my toes tied behind my back! Sure.

The only problem is that I can't get the sides to be even. My first attempt had both short ends getting larger. Don't know what happened there, but I pulled it out. My second attempt had both ends getting smaller. Obviously I over compensated for my largeness problem, better pull it out. Then finally my last attempt had one side getting larger and one side getting smaller. What the freak? Pulled that one out and started praying to the almighty goddess of crocheted things to just help me to make it even.

Looks like a rainbow-colored, mutant amoeba is trying to eat this poor woman.

I have to warn you, though. You really have to be careful who you pray to because you never know what you're going to get. (You especially have to be careful Googling things like "crochet goddess," or really anything with goddess in it, because you'll never be able to unsee anything you find. Just like amoeba lady up there.) Also, the stupid answer I got was one that I already knew but was too lazy to do: counting stitches. I REALLY don't want to count to 115 for every row to make sure that my rows are all even. Besides, I'd probably screw up the counting and still have the same problem.

So...pretty, pretty, please crochet Kali, help me to change my crochet for the better instead of making it worse. And please don't get the blood from that severed head all over my crocheted wrap. Thank you. Shun-ti-day!

Monday Is The New Tuesday

So normally I would've had a post ready for everyone (or just Brent) to read last week Tuesday. Unfortunately, I spent my whole day making these flowers because I agreed to work on my day off.

Then I spent the rest of the week being completely thrown off because I was constantly two days behind in everything. Luckily it was for a good cause. Well, not really. It WAS free, though. Here's some step by steps just in case you want to learn too.

You need a lot of stuff for this project, all of which is in this picture. The list is floral tape, duct tape, some kind of round cylinder, non-stick scissors, wire cutters, stamens, londy wire (or thin floral wire), and all purpose thread. You can choose your own duct tape shade, and they now make a bunch of cool colors and patterns, so make sure it's a cute one.

 

You need something to make uniform circles out of wire. No, it doesn't have to be "craft twinkles". It can be that container of painkillers you've been hiding in your medicine cabinet because the dentist always gives them to you even though you just went in for your regular cleaning. You need five of them. Wire circles, not Lora-tab, that might be deadly.

Just give the circles a little tug so they're not so circley anymore. Think of tadpoles and those other little things that have tails and swim. Fish! Yea...fish.

The duct tape is happy because it finally gets to be put to good use by making something cute. Stick that wire petal to it. BTW, this is tie-dye duct tape in bright sunny colors.

You have to enfold your petal into the duct tape completely. (This is beginning to sound a little naughty.) Make sure both sides are covered nicely and there are no wrinkles. That is, unless you like wrinkles, naughty person. After that, you have to use non-stick scissors to cut around the wire part of the petal but leave a little space so the duct tape doesn't split open right at the seam.

Yes, there are places that sell fake flower stamens like this. They have the little stamen heads on both sides so you have to wrap them around one petal so both sides are sticking up. Yes, I did say to wrap the little heads around the petal so they stick up.

The stamens get sandwiched in between two petals and you use regular thread, doubled-up on itself, to wrap around the two petals and keep them together. If you wrap tight enough you won't have to knot the thread, it will stay put all on it's own. You're going to use a lot of thread so I suggest having a doubled up length of about three feet.

The other flower petals are inserted between the first two petals as shown, one from each side, and then the last one wherever you would like to stick it. However, when you start to wrap them up with thread, make sure that they all sit nicely, one on top of the other, like the picture below.

Wrap all the petals together (many, many, more times) with the thread, and then use floral tape to cover all the wire and thread. Hint: floral tape is only sticky when stretched, so you have to pull as you twist it around the wires to get it to work.

Unfold all the petals and pinch them between your thumb, pointer, and middle fingers to shape into something that resembles a flower. (All this talk about petals and pinching and shaping is making me blush.)

This is what the flower should look like when finished. To make smaller flowers like the little blue one in my first picture, just use a smaller form to make the petals. Try it with animal print duct tape too, they come out really cute.

Why was I making duct tape flowers, you ask? Well, because here in beautiful Hawaii, May Day is Lei Day. On Lei Day you teach people how to make leis. OK, not you exactly, but I do. I mean I teach people to make leis and you don't. You probably twirl girls around a Maypole or something. And anyway, I was SUPPOSED to teach people to make leis but other people were already doing that and I didn't just want to sit there and do the exact same thing. So I made duct tape flowers and then the other people gave me weird looks because I wasn't making leis. It's okay though, a lot of people liked the flowers, which is why I decided to post the instructions.

Um, this post went all kind of weird. I blame it on all the petal pinching and stamen head talk. And lack of sleep.

P. S. I didn't make this up, my friend Brandon did. You should buy some of his cupcakes to thank him for being such a creative crafter. Or just because his cupcakes are so delicioso.

Bumptious Driver

The other day, I was driving home from work and secretly wishing that the ass-wipe that just cut me off had actually hit my car. Strange right? Not for me. I've just realized that I fervently wish for this to happen a lot. A lot. Let me explain.

My commute to and from work consists of fifteen minutes of driving on small roads through residential neighborhoods. Great, isn't it? (I do realize that I am super lucky on this point because most people have to deal with gridlock traffic hell and their commute usually takes days and days. I'm lucky and yet I still complain.)

The unfortunate thing is that people here seem to think that the other cars - you know, the ones with the right-of-way and no stop signs for miles - are supposed to stop for them when they decide to suddenly pull out from behind the stop sign which they've been sitting at for at least an hour. It's almost as if these idiots have decided to lay in wait to ambush innocent car drivers as they unassumingly cruise by on their way home from work. I seem to be the perfect target for every single last one of these freakin' people.

Stop sign ambush may not be as scary as droideka ambush, but it's close

So, this guy cuts me off, makes me hit my brakes, (one of my biggest pet peeves when driving is having to brake needlessly) then proceeds to drive incredibly slowly. Very, very slowly. (And before you ask, no, I was not following a retiree.) Now I'm thinking, "Really? Do you have ANY clue that there are other people on the road?" To which he responds by driving even slower. And this is when, completely out of the blue, I think, "Mother fucker, you should have just HIT me in the first place!" It's not a death wish, I assure you.

 

I have a kind of twisted logic in this scenario. My thinking is that, one, I am a good driver and would not be at fault if this ass-clown hit me; two, this guy's a horrible, stupid driver and doesn't even know it; and three, my car is pretty much a piece of shit. In my rage-induced, dysfunctional logic, adding these three things together equals the perfect vindication for me and the perfect lesson for him. With foreordained righttitude, as if it were handed down by God, this accident would, in my mind, remake the world into a better place. Everything would now be perfect because this guy hit me, proved me right, realized that he was wrong, decided to reform his driving etiquette, and was appropriately punished for being a jackass, all in one fell swoop. Some times I can really be an idiot when road rage is involved.
 

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately in my case, none of this ever happens. I never get hit with a jackass' car, the heavens never open to reveal the hand of God sweeping down to deliver justice upon obnoxious drivers, idiots never EVER realize they're wrong, and the world is never made into a Utopia of unmolested driving. I'll keep wishing for it, though.

I'll Double-Tap You in Your Ugly Monster-Lookin' Face

So, I got to thinking that there might be some unexpected side affects due to my attitude toward the Zombie apocalypse. If you read my post last week, which I'm assuming you didn't, you would know that I vowed to immediately shoot everyone who even remotely looked like they were bitten or infected.

Sephiroth's Masamune Nodachi

Although, in all honesty, my zombie slaying weapon of choice would not be a gun. It would probably be a katana or nodachi. (A nodachi is a sword, like a katana, but bigger and more bad-ass. Look at Wikipedia for the description, and before you ask, yes, I did watch a lot of anime during my teenage years.) 

It's most certainly not the perfect weapon for me, considering how ungraceful I am and the very high likelihood of my doing all the work for the zombies and lopping off my own limbs and the limbs of my surrounding loved ones. (I consistently rolled critical fumbles on those few occasions when I played D&D.) But I would much rather have a weapon that is not going to misfire at the crucial moment or run out of bullets. Also, then we could play Highlander with the zombies and constantly yell, "There can be only one!" while cutting them into tiny pieces.

What was the point of this again? Oh, yes, the unforeseen byproduct of trying to get a jump on the zombie hoard by killing off people who look like they may possibly be infected. Or a little under the weather. Or turned into a newt.

Anyway, I have decided that the repercussions of this plan of attack could have a very adverse effect on the aesthetically challenged population. Or in other words, ugly people.

Here's my reasoning. If you look like this:

I'm probably going to kill your ugly zombie face. You don't want to look like this. Ever.

Then again, if you look like this:

I'll probably double-tap your face just in case. Just to make sure that you won't try to eat me. Or sing off key at me. Or have a bunch of white trash kids.

So, in light of these new revelations, here are some tips to help you get along with the good looking survivors of the Zombie Apocalypse, like me.

1. Don't shave your head to make a statement because the statement ends up being, "I want to eat your brains."
2. Use sunscreen to avoid the wizened corpse look, also known as twice-tanned leather.
3. Apply makeup correctly and stay away from green, purple, and blue shades; and foundation that is too light.
4. Subscribe to post-apocalyptic-chic fashion mags to stay on the cutting edge of zombie killing fashion.

 Personally, I'm planning on being the most well dressed zombie killer ever. Or the person who shoots first.

Monsters, Meet My Boomstick

Hubbie and I just finished watching "Evil Dead" again for the like upteenth time. It was good campy, as always, although we spent the majority of the film yelling at Bruce Campbell to "just cut them down with the axe already!" I'm still surprised at how long it takes for him to actually kill someone. Honestly Bruce, how did you think this was going to end? The minute you guys walked into that cabin and saw the wide assortment of tools that can also be used as weapons, you should've known that you would eventually have to use them to cut all your friends into little-bitty pieces. With a name like Ash Williams, that should just be how you roll. Also, the chick under the floorboards is TOTALLY going to try to attack you later on; how many times are you going to save her life? And the minute that your girlfriend goes scary, demonic kid psychotic, you need to immediately blow her ugly, flour-dusted head of with your shotgun.

First, that laugh is freakin' irritating, and second, who drew on this chick's face with eyeliner and lipstick?

I swear, I would be the most awesome monster butt-kicker ever because I have no qualms about taking my boom-stick to something that is trying to kill me. Let this be a warning to all my friends out there, if we're ever stuck in a scary movie together, I will NOT hesitate to kill off anyone looking remotely sick, infected, possessed, or bitten. You bitches are SO not gonna deter my last ditch effort at escaping by suddenly tripping me as I walk by or jumping on my back as I'm about to flee. You'll all be dead and I'll be running for the hills.

What's that, Mom? You've got a fever? Well, it may just be the flu like you think, but I really can't take the chance of you being a carrier for the T-virus, so I'll just have to take you out right now. There's no way I'm letting anyone bring you back later on as a genetically altered she-hulk who can cook a mean Zucchini Munchie and actually follow through on your promise of "taking me out of this world" if I so much as put a foot wrong. (By the way, remind me to share that Zucchini Munchie recipe with y'all some day because that stuff is freakin' yummy.)

This is why I love The Oatmeal, he understands.

Also, when the zombie apocalypse comes around, I'm not waiting around for you to turn before I try to kill you. There will be no long, drawn out, emotional scene where I have to have an equally long and drawn out inner debate about whether or not I should kill my friend, dog, sister, lover, or whoever. The minute I find out you've been bitten, you're dead, unless you volunteer to go down in a blaze of glory by fighting off the zombie hoard before they get to the rest of us. Keeping zombies off the uninfected people is heroic; being the zombie attacking the uninfected is just bad form. Just be heroic, fuckers, and do everyone a favor and die.


Are you prepared for the Zombie apocalypse? Have you accidentally killed a friend in a weird case of mistaken zombie identity? Let me know. The more info we share about what we'll do when the undead rise, the better prepared we'll be.

Brent Might Be Smarter Than Your Average Imbecile

Brent has recently been having a conversation with an imbecilic lunatic. Now, just for clarification, when I say “conversation,” I mean drop-kick schooling her on how the real world works, and by “imbecilic,” I mean oh-my-fucking-god this lady is brain-bleed stupid. The funniest thing about all this is that Brent is having the time of his ever-loving life trying to fix stupid. Here’s the gist of their back and forth:

Imbecilic Lunatic Lady (we’ll call her ILL from now on): I love people, and I think that in a perfect world everyone should be happy and loved! [Insert lame ass weirdo quote here]

Brent: Sorry, no such thing as a perfect world. Here are some examples of why the world isn’t perfect:

-          Idiots like yourself

-          The government

-          Tambourines

-          Body fat

-          More idiots

-          Entitlement

-          Kristen Stewart

ILL: I’m offended simply because you said body fat, and I slightly resemble that remark. Plus, I love the Partridge Family. I’m going to tell everyone that you’re a horrible, evil person who wants to sacrifice children to Kali Ma, just like they did in that Temple of Doom movie, by making them work in mines filled with Styrofoam and melancholy.

Brent:  Why are you my friend on Facebook again? You do know that I’m only here to make you look like a moron in front of a potentially huge amount of people, right?

ILL: I can’t figure out how to unfriend you, and I’m losing friends because what you’re saying actually makes sense to everyone but me. Since I seem to be the only one who doesn’t get it, I’ll just try to make you look bad by saying you’re a racist, homophobic meanie.

Brent: What if I said I was possibly wrong about Kristen Stewart? (I would just like to interject here that he is so NOT wrong about Kristen Stewart. She is the perfect example of all that is unnatural and evil in this world, and she is probably the antichrist.)

Damian + Kristen Stewart = The UberAntichrist

ILL: Oh my god, Brent! I’m so sorry if I offended you. I didn’t know that you could possibly be on the side of shiny, Adonis-like vampires. Unfriend me if you think I’m being intolerant and cruel.

I told Brent that I would’ve unfriended her the minute she said “I love people,” because who freakin' loves PEOPLE? But that just goes to show how intolerant of idiots I’ve become. Also, that Brent is so much better at putting up with this kind of crap than I am just because he has fun showing other people how horribly wrong they are.

 Do you think we live in a perfect world? Are vampires actually shiny? Should I have put a goatee on Kristen Stewart? You can always leave feedback, if you like.